Our Naperville children exposed us to some Christian humour today and I thought I would share some of it with you. They introduced us to a website called The Babylon Bee. The website labels itself as “Your Trusted Source for Christian News Satire.” I believe life is very serious, and even as Christians … we need humor for a break away and to have a laugh. Laughter, as you know is a great tonic when you are exhausted or down in the dumps. I found this article, though it’s best seen with sketches of the face and hair of the mentioned people:
Looking for the perfect church? Don’t waste time looking at the church’s statement of faith, evaluating their worship, or checking out their children’s programs. The pastor’s hairstyle will tell you everything you need to know! Find your pastor’s hairdo or the closest thing to it here and let him know what you really think of his teaching:
The Osteen [referencing Joel Osteen] – Light and fluffy, this hairstyle is the perfect complement for your pastor’s wishy-washy theology. Usually paired with a creepy, impossibly white smile, the Osteen is a sign you might be attending a heretical church. Consider repenting.
Spurgeon’s Heavenly Mane [referencing Charles Haddon Spurgeon] – Heaven came down and blessed the prince of preachers with a mane like a mighty lion. Very few men have dared to attempt this look. Even fewer pull it off. This pastor has solid theology, but prepare to get absolutely wrecked from the pulpit every Sunday.
The King James Crew Cut – This is the only haircut for the Man O’ God who preaches from the authorized 1611 KJV Bible. Sissified, skinny jeans wearing girly pastors need not apply. This pastor follows the “old paths” and he’s proud of it, amen? A pastor with this haircut is likely to be a member of the NRA and drive a car with a giant Confederate flag emblazoned on the hood.
The Youth Pastor Yet – This dank haircut be totes adorbs and will give you mad clout if paired with the perfect creps, yo. If you be finna flex your drip and hype the youth, secure the bag and get this hard cut. No cap. (If you could read that, you probably already have this haircut.)
The Angry German Monk – If your pastor has this haircut, he’s likely to drink a few too many beers and then go nail a bunch of complaints to the door of a nearby Catholic church. He might accidentally start a religious and political revolution, so keep a close eye on him. Also, keep him away from any Jews.
The Woman – Hey, wait a minute! Your pastor’s a woman! Send her down to children’s ministry or women’s ministry right away!
The Shiny Dome of Holiness – This pastor is most likely very well educated as years of exams and thesis papers have robbed him of his hair. His shiny scalp reflects the glory of God and the stage lights onto everyone present. Best paired with a solid beard and maybe some glasses.
The Furtick Fade – Pastors with this haircut are quite likely to make theologically dubious statements, hold their microphone like some kind of rap artist, and make tons of money running a giant multi-site megachurch. Good for you, successful pastor!
The Trump – Oh no! You’re not at a church — you’re at a Trump rally! Eh, close enough.
On the more serious side, it is not easy to find a Church where you find perfection … neither will you find a pastor that is the perfect pastor. In this world so captivated by sin and so effected by the world and the devil, perfection is not to be found … unless you lower the standard of perfection, which you just can’t do! Jesus said in Matthew:
Mat 5:48 “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
Yet try as we may, on this side of glory perfection can only be strived for, not attained. But to find a healthy, Biblical Church will not be identified through looking at the church notice board or even reading the church bulletin. You will need to dig deeper.
Statement of Faith
Get a copy of their Statement of Faith. What do they say they believe about the Bible, God, Jesus, sin, salvation, evangelism, missions, church finances, etc?
The Pastor’s Sermons
Listening to the pastor’s sermons. Do this for at least six to eight weeks.
Bible Study Groups
Join a Bible study group. Not only will you see what is taught but you will be mixing with the people and talking to them. Hear what they say about their church and why they say it. You will need to ask some probing questions, but be gentle and pray for wisdom.
Participate in their membership class. This might take about six weeks, but it’s here where their statement of faith will prove its worth.
Interview with the Pastor
Seek an interview with the pastor. Ask him all the questions you want to know about him, his ministry, his job description, his preaching, his theological persuasion, church leadership, etc.
During the period of investigating the five points above, you will soon find whether 2Tim 3:16-17 is practiced!
2Tim 3:16-17 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Do they believe the Bible to be the inspired, inerrant, infallible Word of God? Is it taught faithfully without watering the Truth down to suit the hearers? Do they teach the whole counsel of God or do they skip over contentious issues? Are they ready to rebuke the sinner (or the sin in your life)? Do they follow rebuke with corrective training from the Bible? Because God is totally righteous … does this church seek to shape its people in righteousness? Are they preparing their people for ministry and for eternity?
Dear God, help me to be in and remain in a church where the pastor and people remain faithful to You. Amen.